Fantasy Football Week 6&7: Oops, I Suck at Posting

Hey hey hey hey...

I know; I missed a week of posting, and I will write about that in a later post, but I wanted to at least let you know where I am.

I AM WINNING EVERYTHING.  I AM THE FANTASY QUEEN.

Okay, that's ridiculously obnoxious, but I'm honestly winning despite myself (direct quote from my dad) and Peyton Manning is single-handedly keeping my team afloat.  Yes, I have some breakouts, and I'm holding a few bench players that I think will get better and better as the season moves forward, but I'm honestly not doing too much.  And that's my own fault.

The Eagles had a bye week, so I had to swap some of my players around -- but I honestly thought I'd still watch football, especially the Monday night game, but I didn't.  Once.  The entire weekend.  And that's no fun for me. 

This post isn't fun, but I'm really not feeling it right now.  I'll be back to it next week though, I promise <3

Throwback Thurdsday: Home Movies Edition

Happy Thursday, y'all!  This week we're back with more home movie clips from my trip to Disney World when I was 4.  Throwback to 1991 and more of that killer haircut!
My favorite thing about these home movies -- there are SO many, and I hope you're excited -- is the early technology that my parents are very clearly abusing. Before digital cameras, there were video recorders, and my parents liked to treat ours like a camera.  In this vein, there are many moments where they act like they're taking photos of me, and I just have an awkward smile on my face because, even at 4, I know something is up. 
There's not as much talking in this one, unlike my hotel room tour when I won't shut up about the bathroom and opening a bottle of water for my dad, but it's still pretty spectacular.  That haircut, man.  This gives a clearer look at the bowl cut I rocked for many years.
What happens in this clip is pretty simple -- we come across a store that sells tutus, at a time when I was going through a confusing ballet stage (confusing because I did not take ballet, nor have I ever, but I was pretty into the idea of it.  It lasted less than a year), and my mother decides I should put it on and 'turn around!'
To be fair, my form is impeccable:

She just kept telling me to 'turn around!'  That's a big part of this video.  I guess that is the benefit to using a video recorder.  It's like wizard pictures!

Anyway, it goes on from there to my father putting me into a variety of costumes, some of which are better than others, and me just smiling awkwardly and 'turning around!'  My favorites, however, would be the food related costumes. 

Have you EVER seen a cuter hot dog?  Speaking of, I could really eat a hot dog right now...  Anyway, as we approach Halloween, maybe this will spark some ideas.

Fantasy Football Week 5: The Play-By-Play

Warning: I am currently overusing the word 'bitches' and I make no apologies.  Just a heads up.

I am a fiercely competitive person, but I try to contain that to areas where of strength; scrabble, jeopardy, board games, and floating. I am a champion floater, no joke. I cannot sink. Buoyancy, bitches. But anyway...
After last weeks surprising (but not really, because I had my reasons) win with Bridgewater, I've taken this a little more seriously. I looked at the match-ups and moved my roster not just based on projected points, but on how I felt teams would perform based on who and where and when they were playing. That was my reasoning for picking up the Packers defense, keeping Maclin on my roster for the week, and maybe some less successful changes.  I LOVE FANTASY.

 

Thursday Night: Green Bay vs. Minnesota

• I tend to work opening shifts on Friday mornings, so Thursday nights I end up in bed around the time football starts. Curse not having cable in my room, which I only regret during football season and baseball playoffs.
• I'm playing Jordy Nelson and the GB def tonight, and when I wake up, I'm sitting comfortably at 34.6 points.
• Put my glasses on because I'm sure that I can't be reading that right.
• Nope, that's a real thing. My defense went OFF last night against the Vikings.
• I go to work in a decent mood. Friday ends up being a pretty decent day that ends with Tacos.

Sunday Afternoon: Philadelphia vs. St. Louis

• My day starts with an early knock on my door and my dad telling me he's not feeling well and I need to find someone else to go to the game with me.  This is a problem; I don't really like going to games without my dad, and it's also 7am on a Sunday morning.
• I send three texts to no responses.  Panic sets in.  Eventually, dad downs some airbourne and we are on our way to the game. 
• While eating a hoagie (yes, its a HOAGIE) I insist that I will not check my fantasy points during the game.
• I am a fool.  Somehow I forgot that there's an entire screen that projects fantasy leaders, and I see one of my benched players listed.  Damn it, Vincent Jackson, rarely have I done right by you.  Le'Veon Bell isn't having a great game.  Martellus Bennett isn't having a great game; in fact, he's having a really crappy game.  I am complaining loudly to my father.  Luckily the Eagles are winning big right now.
• Ah.  As always, perhaps I spoke too soon. 
• The Eagles are now having a really crappy game.  My fantasy team is squeezing by on the solid start from Thursday night.  I need Maclin to catch ALL THE TOUCHDOWNS.   Instead, Foles must have thought I asked for several incomplete passes.  Thanks for nothing, man.  Then, with two minutes left in the 3rd, Maclin runs for a TD.  Not only does this make me feel better about this game, but FANTASY POINTS.  Thank goodness for Parkey this time around.

Sunday Afternoon into Evening: Denver vs. Arizona

• I know, I know, I should be watching this game but I'm SO TIRED and instead I watch the play-by-play on my phone while laying down for a bit.  By the time I get to yoga, I'm up 120 points to 60 in my match-up for this week.
• DEMARYIUS THOMAS, FINALLY.  Seriously, I've been sitting on him hoping and hoping and FINALLY.  I show this to Marissa, my yoga buddy, with excitement.  She has no idea what any of this means.  I'm so glad she's going to the game with me next week.
• When we get out of yoga, I decide I want pizza.  I'm doing paleo/whole30 again this month, and I want to eat ALL THE PIZZA before I can't for a month.  I check my fantasy score again.
• It is now 141 points to 64 points.  I know I should be all Namaste but screw it.  I'm crushing it this week, bitches.  YEAH, BITCH.

Sunday Night: New England vs. Cincinnati

• My team was done after the 4pm games ended.  This normally causes panic, but I am so far ahead right now, my match-up is playing one last person in this game (Giovani Bernard), and I'm up by 80 points.
• Plus pizza.  I am eating so much pizza.
• Damn, I really want pizza already.
• I don't watch this game when I get home because I fall asleep in my yoga clothes in a pizza coma.  It's beautiful.

Monday Night: Washington vs. Seattle

• Fantasy wise, this game means nothing to me.  My week is over.  I've won.  I feel like this dog.
• This game means something to me because I hate the Redskins.  I hate Maryland teams in general, although baseball right now has me feeling conflicted.  Am I currently an Orioles fan?  I guess I can be, since I'm not living in Baltimore anymore.
• Anyway, the Redskins losing is a beautiful ending to a great week in fantasy. 
• THIS DOG CAN'T EVEN, YOU GUYS.

Next week brings the most epic match-up of them all: Diana and I are playing each other.  NOVIA VS. NOVIA.  Bring it, bitch. Just kidding, I love you.  But I'm going to crush you.  #bestfriendsforever

Throwback Thursday: Relationship Advice Edition

It's Throwback Thursday, my darlings, and I'm back with another excerpt from the 11th grade notebook -- stay calm, I know you're excited.  In today's edition, we look at the first note written -- history in the making here, people! -- where I ask for advice on dealing with a clingy boyfriend.  Ah, it's like nothing has changed!  This note was written eleven years ago.  Let that sink in for a minute, especially if you went to high school with me.  Enjoy!

October 1st, first period


That's me in 11th grade on our marching band trip to California. 
I am wearing AMAZING purple high-tops.  SWAG.

OMG, (name omitted),
This is driving me CRAZY.  I hate boyfriends, I hate clingy guys, and I hate periods (yay, not).  Don't get me wrong, he's a cool kid and all, but I just can't stand him right now!  I want to scream!
Anyway, yes, we have an actual notebook now.  It's tres exciting!
ARGH, seriously, what do I do?  I hate breaking up with people... but I guess I broke up with ____ and ____ lol.  And I totally still have a crush on ____ **.  Whatever, chem is really boring and really easy and my teacher is so strange.  She burned her hand today on the Bunsen burner.  Lady, you teach chem, even I know not to touch hot metal.  English is next, at least, so that's fun. 
Bell's about to ring.  Help me!!!

Response:
Leah,
Ok, don't break up with him... but try to talk to him or just avoid him or something.

Happy Thursday, y'all!


** - See guilty pleasures post.  This person is TOTALLY one of those sophomore boys.

Fantasy Football Week 4: The Play-By-Play

Okay, I know I'm running late on my post for today - I had to work, and didn't get to do my write up last night.  I actually wondered this morning if anyone (namely Diana) would notice, and who should text me this morning asking about the post but my bestie!  I also just got a text from her saying I have until 6pm to post this, so here it is!

Wednesday: Post-Win panic

• If you saw my post from last week, you know that my QB and one of my receivers had a bye week.  I played people off of my bench, but I also attempted to be intelligent about football and did some reading.  I figured I could take a chance this week, and picked up Vikings QB Teddy Bridgewater, who started this week.  Newbie trying to prove himself?  I only need him for this one week, so I dropped Alex Smith and decided to go big or go home. 

Thursday Night: New York vs. Washington DC

• I do not watch this game because priorities.  Too tired to stay up that late, no players in the game, and I HATE those two teams and only root for injuries if I even bother to watch. 
• Giants win, and Eli Manning has a stupid face.  DONE.

Sunday: Chicago vs. Green Bay (and some snippets of Lions/Jets and Bucs/Steelers)

• I work until 2 on Sunday, so when I get home I put on my eagles t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants (because DAMMIT I'm a lady.  Also it was a LONG day at work, which I will be posting about later this week.  UGH).  I have two players in the Bears/Packers game; Jordy Nelson and Martellus Bennettt, who is badass recently. 
• I get home and settled enough in time to see the last quarter of the game.  I secretly root for the Bears because seriously?  I think we're all closet Chicago fans.  And Aaron Rodgers scarred me forever with that mustache.  I will NEVER forgive him for that.
• Game ends, and I have picked up some solid points from both Bennett and Nelson.  Thanks, guys.  It ends early enough that they switch over to another game.
• Hey, the Jets are loosing!  I am happy about this, because the Jets.  Ugh.  It's like the entire team has that creepy Aaron Rodgers mustache.  Not because of facial hair, but Jets fans make me feel like I need to shower.  I feel conflicted because my matchup for this week is playing Stafford.  I am playing Chris Ivory who has done better than projected, but I should want him to pick up more.... right?
• Nah, still hate the Jets.
• The game ends, and the station switches to the Tampa Bay vs. Pittsburgh game. I am conflicted again because Pittsburgh fans are worse than Jets fans and Le'Veon Bell isn't doing too much for me.  However, Vincent Jackson looks crappy, too.  I am playing both of them.  Damn it, guys.
• Vincent Jackson, way to under perform.  Angry. SO ANGRY.  I am hardcore rooting for the Bucs, but Jackson misses three touchdown opportunities.
• I hate him. 
• Finally catches one with 7 seconds left in the game.  He picks up fantasy points for me AND the Steelers lose lolololololol
• I love everything about football in this moment. 

Sunday: Philadelphia vs. San Francisco

• Leah gets emotional when she watches football, and this is my stream-of-consciousness ramblings that took place during the game:
• You're going to challenge that?  A minute into the game? 
• lolololololol sucks to be you, Harbaugh. 
• I dropped the Eagles defense for San Diego after playing the Eagles last week in fantasy.... wtf.  why???
• I take back all of those comments.  I dropped them for a good reason, and here they go, stinking it up already.  Giving up downs all over the place.
• Check fantasy - SD defense has dropped from 12 to 6 points. assholes.
• Okay maybe I should have played eagles defense. SD is down to three points, GODDAMN IT
• They are absolutely playing "California Love" at the game. I can hear it in the backgound and I totally love it
• Their punting sound effect sounds like the intro to the Backstreet Boys song "Everybody(Backstreet's Back)" 
• JESUS.  One of the Philadelphia touchdowns so far in the game have been scored by the DEFENSE.  And I dropped them.  I hate fantasy football. At least I picked up a Parkey point for his extra point.
• Three touchdowns in and Maclin has done nothing.  At least Parkey is hitting the extra points
• I take a shower during halftime because I love to multitask.  I also really need to wash my hair.  I do not shave my legs because I do not want to miss the start of the second half.  This is not weird for me, I hate shaving my legs.  Sorry not sorry.
• My mother joins me for the third quarter.  I stop liveblogging my reactions.  Instead, I just get mad about how crappy this game is going, both in fantasy and in life.
• ANGER.
• NOT ANGER because my QB pickup is turning out to be an excellent addition.  Bridgewater is going OFF, and I mean that literally because there is a brief clip of him being taken off the field with an ankle injury.  I am not totally upset because he has already scored 23.38 points and now he can't screw it up and lose some. 
• This Eagles game sucks.  They look like crap.  Maclin and Parkey did pretty much nothing after having three great weeks.

Monday Night: New England vs. Kansas City

• This is my first week not having anybody in the Monday night game, and although I'm up by about 30 points going into it, I'm nervous.  So nervous.
• I'm so nervous that I don't watch the game at all, and instead go eat homemade dumplings at a friends house.  I check my fantasy team sporadically, and fall asleep before the game is even over.
• I WAKE UP TO ANOTHER WIN.  AWWWW YEAH.

I LOVE FANTASY FOOTBALLLLLLLL

Throwback Thursday: Home Movies Edition

Happy Thursday, y'all!

I'm an only child -- shocking, I know -- so my parents took hours and HOURS of video.  Lucky you.  When I was 4, we went to Disney World, and my parents recorded everything.  Seriously, everything.  However, if you know me at all, you can imagine how often I tried to be in front of the camera.  So on this fabulous Throwback Thursday, I invite you into our hotel room as the 1991 edition of Leah shows you around.  Hell yeah.

First of all, that hair.  Mom, seriously? And what is with my creepy ass smile?  I look like I'm bringing you into my murder cave, minus the mouse ears, which are very fashion forward.  The main point is that I'm 4 effing years old, and I can work that hotel lock like a professional.  Smooth.  Come into my murder cave, mother.

Speaking of fashion forward, here's a better look at that collar I'm rocking.  Party on, Leah.  Oh, here I also explain the sleeping arrangement, because that an important question my mother asks.  In case you don't want to watch the video, I'm sleeping in the bed that seems covered in newspapers.  I may have been checking on my stocks.  I was advanced for my age, giving tours on film and trading stocks.

 

After a brief introduction to the room, I offer to get my dad a drink.  I have to remove the bottle cap (on a water, I might add.  1991 bottled water needed to have the cap removed, like beer.  Whaaaaaaat???) and there's some shit in my way.  No f*cks were given.  Shove that shit in my way right into the sink.  Also, push grammie out of the way like a boss.  I'm about to go HAM on this water bottle.  While wearing mouse ears and that f*cking collar. 

 

To be fair, this is what my mom is wearing.  1991 called --it wants your jeans AND that video camera back. 

 

 Let's go check out the bathroom -- obviously -- but ahhhh shit, I can't get the door open.  Cue to me asking "who locked this door?!?"  Then cue to my grandmother just, uh, opening it.  Because no one locked the door, Leah, you just are really really really bad at opening things like doors or jars or syrups at work.  Why are my muscles so weak???

 IDK, Leah.  IDK why you can't open the goddamn door.  Good thing you're wearing that sweet collar and those mouse ears, or else this would be SUPER embarrassing.



 

 

Tour Guide Leah, 1991

Fantasy Football Week 3: The Play-By-Play

That's right, kiddos, it's the week 3 wrap-up.   Don't call it a comeback!!!  No, actually, you can. FANTASY FOOTBALLLLLL!!!

Tuesday Morning: Post-Loss Recoup

• Leah goes through the 7-Stages of Fantasy Football loss grief; these include drinking too much coffee, eating dairy-based food stuffs (oooh, lordy, lactose intolerance), and yelling at people for making terrible player suggestions.  These also including crying at work, because I am PMSing and overwhelmed.  Also, stop ordering salted caramel mocha's -- I beg you, they are the worst drink ever.
• I cry a second time at work because my hands are disgustingly sticky from making yet another SCM.  I quit today.
• Decide not to ask anyone else for advice this entire season.  Go home and pass out accidentally for a couple of hours still wearing my work pants.  It happens.

Wednesday Evening: Let's make some moves!

• I am feeling newly empowered by my decision to go with my gut (and all of my online research) about players for this week; feminism! (???)
• I've decided that Maclin is going to be my secret weapon this season, pending injuries (please, Jeremy, please don't get hurt.  Again.) and I keep him on my starting line-up.  I also continue to be impressed with Parkey, who was my last round pick during the draft after seeing him nail a killer FG during a pre-season game.  I also pick up the Eagles defense for this week, because the Redskins (lololololol). 
• Have a moment of conflict after loading my roster with my home team players.
• It's gone.  Go Eagles!

Thursday Night: Tampa Bay vs. Atlanta

• I have no one playing in this game, but my match-up (team name "Hurricane Julio") has -- wait for it -- Julio Jones, and racks up 28.1 points in the game.  Damnnnnnnn.
• I fall asleep early because I always work in the morning on Fridays, but wake up a few times during the night -- my least favorite wake-up in a text from my dad that just says "Julio Jones is having a big game.  Sorry."
• Thanks, Dad.
• Stress about all of my choices for Sunday.  Read the internet.  Move my roster.
• Move everything back to the way it was on Wednesday.  F*ck it.

Friday and Saturday: STOP OVER THINKING

• I stop looking at my line-up completely.  Instead, I get a haircut on Saturday.
• Accidental bob.  I cut too much off.  It's short.  I hate it.  But I don't.  So much conflict; I am distracted enough by my lack of hair to not worry so much about football.

Sunday Afternoon:  EAGLES.  EAGLES!

• Poppa bear and I head out around 10am for the game.  We get there around 11:30 -- gotta stop for hoagies -- and it's already PACKED.  There are people in the stadium already.  Slow your roll, crazies. 
• I decide I'm not going to check my fantasy team until after the game -- but the new stadium set-up makes that a pointless decision.  There are fantasy stats all over the place during the game.
• Quick Eagles recap -- fights, fights, more fights, 4 people tossed from our section, Maclin is the BEST.  Parkey is a badass.  Eagles defense, eh, but solid enough to pull points for me.
• Realize my dad is the absolute best -- every time Maclin does something, he high-fives me and yells 'fantasy points!' -- we are, in fact, related.
• Fantasy is ruining my life again -- as the Eagles run down the clock, I turn to my dad to complain that they haven't brought Parkey in for a last FG attempt -- just so I can pull off a few more fantasy points. 

Sunday Afternoon: Various games, and DAMMIT PEYTON.

• Peyton Manning makes me so mad.  Mostly because I don't like him, but have to root for him.  He's been consistent so far, but hasn't really gone off.  My issue is REALLY with Demariyus Thomas, who has underperformed EVERY WEEK.  STOP THROWING TO THE OTHER THOMAS, DAMMIT PEYTON.
• Realize that I not only make Harry Potter references consistently in my day-to-day life, but also during football, especially now.  Fantasy Points = House Points, obviously.  I want to win the Quidditch Cup.  And, really, isn't a player earning a decent amount of points for your fantasy team, but still losing the game, isn't that just a little tiny bit like Viktor Krum catching the golden snitch during the World Cup game in 1994 against Ireland?
• Realize I need to cool it with these Harry Potter references.
• I am still losing by a lot of points, and I basically give up on this week.  After being cocky as a result of my week one win, this is a bummer.  I wanted to win ALL THE POINTS.
• I played Jordy Nelson over Vincent Jackson this week. lolololololol what is my life?
• Sunday night starts to look a bit brighter -- Le'Veon Bell goes OFF, and as much as I hate the Steelers, he's pushing me toward a surprising come back win for week three.
• TEN POINTS TO RAVENCLAW!  (Obviously I'm in Ravenclaw, come on now)
• By the time I fall asleep, I've officially won this week, and I still have another player left for Monday night.
• Cue the maniacal laughter and multiple texts from my dad.

Monday Night: Bears vs. Jets

James Potter was a CHASER, idiots.  UGH.

• I follow the game on my phone because I have Martellus Bennett on my team.
• AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I love fantasy football.
• 125 to 100, sorry not sorry.  First place in our league, sorry not sorry.

Right Now: Ahhh, ****

• Denver has a BYE week next week.
• I knew that but forgot.
• I'm going to go read some Harry Potter now.  Strategize.