Fantasy Football Week 1: the play-by-play

Week one of fantasy football has come and gone, and I now understand the attraction and the draw; while playing with more than one team just seems like it would be too much work and oddly stressful, I am revoking my statement from last week about not wanting to win.  I want to win ALL THE POINTS.  Here's how week one went down:

Thursday Night: Green Bay vs. Seattle

• Okay, full disclaimer: Jordy Nelson is on my fantasy team, and I probably should have watched this game, but Leah had to open on Friday morning, so no thanks.  I got in bed around 8:30 and woke up at 4:30 the next morning to 8.3 points.  Still not sure what that even means, but I put it out of my mind. 
• Also, I'm not sure I was even functional enough to understand numbers that early in the morning.

Sunday: Philadelphia vs. Jacksonville

• I had to open on Sunday and I was scheduled until 1:30, so I didn't get to go to the Eagles game.  Leah was cranky and reallyyyyyy wanted to leave work early, but alas.  It was CRAY CRAY busy, people were obnoxious, and I just wanted to GTFO.
• At exactly 1:29pm I clock out in our back office while simultaneously opening my sports app to check the Eagles score.  Become ENRAGED to see that Nick Foles has already managed two fumbles and the score is 13-0.  Storm out of work while complaining loudly to anyone will listen about how terrible this is and how angry I am that I'm rushing home to watch "this crap," much to the amusement of multiple customers still in line.
• On the ride home, I hear Nick Foles get sacked.  I quit everything.
• Once home, I plant myself on the basement couch and finally check my fantasy team.  The girl I'm playing literally has negative points with Nick Foles as her qb.  I text her something that roughly translates to "lololololol Foles but not really because I'm an Eagles fan" and we go back and forth a bit. 
• The first half of the game ends and I realize I've been stress eating a bag of sweet potato chips, so I remove them from my presence.  Then I eat three cookies with pumpkin chips in them -- which, by the way, are AMAZING -- and realize I may turn orange from what I've ingested.  This, however, is appropriate because I have to support Peyton Manning tonight because he's on my fantasy team.**
• I finally figure out how to change my team name on the Yahoo! Fantasy Football app, and go with "I can't even" because I am a white girl and this game is bullshit.
• Second half begins, and things start looking up.  Kara has Ertz on her fantasy team, and she is KILLING it with him, but I can't be upset because my team has comeback from the embarrassing POS first half.  I realize Maclin has done pretty well for me; I will hang on to him until his next season ending injury because he's my fav.
• The game ends and Kara is beating me in fantasy, but the Eagles win.  Feel moment of conflict.  Realize I am becoming competitive.  Also realize I still don't quite get how this all works and will probably lose. Eat another cookie.

Sunday: Various teams of less importance than the Eagles

• The only game on in my area is the San Fran vs. Dallas game.  I have no players from either of these teams on my fantasy line-up, plus I'm hungry somehow, so I only watch long enough for evidence to present to my friends who are fans of the Cowboys that Romo is a version of Eli Manning -- confused face, but not the open mouth breathing technique Eli has -- and send a few sassy texts about Tony Romo and his stupid face  Luckily, I don't have to wait very long for the face. Texts sent.
• I check my points from time to time, and as much as I can't stand the Steelers, Le'Veon Bell is scoring a ton of points.  Thank you, but I hate your name.

Sunday: Indianapolis Vs. Denver

• I have both Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas on my fantasy team.  I also have the Denver defense, which is killing me because UGH DENVER.  I figure out how to drop and add players, and pick up San Diego for the Monday night game instead. PHEW.
• Manning starts the game with 4 passes to Thomas... 3 of them are incomplete.  Thanks, assholes.
• Manning then throws to the OTHER THOMAS.  He is clearly not understanding my needs in this game.  DAMMIT PEYTON.  Kara has Emmanel Sanders on her team, and I immediately start wishing for injury.  Nothing serious, but enough to keep him out for the rest of this game.  I'm not THAT awful.
• Because I have been up since 4:30 this morning, and have to be at work early tomorrow, I fall asleep midway through the third quarter but wake-up each time something happens because I can't figure out how to turn off the game updates. 

Monday: God, now I'm in this.  And math is difficult.

• When I wake up, I am still ahead of Kara, but she has two players in the Giants/Lions game and I am rocking the San Diego Defense.  I do math: projected points means I will beat her by less than one point.
• Stress.
• I want to win this damn thing.
• I am not home for the Giants/Lions game because I go to dinner with some friends.  I bring my phone charger so I can continually check my fantasy points.  While there, a thumb gets sliced open with a blender blade, and I do not check my phone for about 15 minutes.  When things calm down, I do.  Kara is still behind me.  I do not announce this to my dinner partners because, you know, there was just blood everywhere.
• By the time I get home and into bed, it's set that I have won this week; going into the late game, I am already ahead of Kara.
• I get cocky and send some texts. 

Tuesday Morning: MUST CHECK TEAM ROSTER

• I start looking at my next match-up.  I get it, a little bit.  I like this.  It's fun.  It makes watching other teams more exciting.  I do some googling and end up dropping a few players from my bench and picking up some others.  Next week I'm against my friend's dad.
• WATCH OUT, SQUID, I'M COMING FOR YOU.

** I actually own a Broncos T-Shirt.  It was a Christmas gift from my dad (my mom got one, too); he bought them at the Denver airport.  They are Tebow T-Shirts because my dad went to UF.  I do not wear it in public.